new (light) verse

Being marked Mark, I am eponymous,
with Mark Anthony, I'm homonymous,
Marc Chagall and I are paronymous,
with check off, I'm just synonymous.

Unrecorded makes me antonymous,
unremarkable, and hence anonymous,
Yours sincerely, The Shark,
I sign off, pseudonymous.

7 x 13 = 28; TWICE

and for Abbott and Costello fans, here's the proof that 7x13=28

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo4NCXOX0p8

miss that?

ok, here it is again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLprXHbn19I

oooooooooooooooh, plagarizing themselves!

fish of the day

Earth Times cartoon

new (light) verse

the origin of this verse is that someone once asked me where i live.
when i said "Wugu",
she told me: "你的發音不標準，你應該說: 'ㄊㄧㄢ ㄇㄨ' 。"


阿兜仔的鼻子都很高
阿兜仔的薪水也太高
阿兜仔都信基督教
阿兜仔愛吃麥當勞。
阿兜仔不住五股
阿兜仔都住天母

阿兜仔都有啤酒肚
因為阿兜仔愛喝啤酒
阿兜仔不吃臭豆腐
但是阿兜仔敢住四樓。
住五股是外勞
老外都住天母。

阿兜仔機車騎太快
而且一直沒駕照
阿兜仔的女友都可愛
但是咪咪比男朋友小。
阿兜仔不住五股
阿兜仔都住天母。

阿兜仔都有紅頭毛
阿兜仔會留鬍子
阿兜仔愛毛手毛腳
阿兜仔都像猴子。
但猴子不住天母
猴子應該住五股。

ask J&J: am I sick?

Dear Jennifer and Jessica,
Last week the newspapers reported that Taiwanese-American psychiatrist Lin Ih-foo held a press conference here to promote his latest book. In it, he suggests that in voting for the KMT, Taiwanese people suffer from a form of Stockholm syndrome.
Since I, like the majority of my compatriots, voted for Ma Ying-jeou, does that make me sick?
Yours,
Patty Hsu
_________________________
Dear Patty,
No you are not sick.
Nor are you Swedish.
First, there is no such thing as Stockholm syndrome because there is no such thing as Stockholm. When our cousin Nokia Chang studied mechanical engineering (with a minor in smoked salmon) at Volvo-Fjord University, and he wished to go to Stockholm, capital of Sweden, he was told Yataboy was the capital. And if “Doctor” Lin doesn’t believe it, he can just Google the CIA World Factbook.
Second, in his book, “Psychological Analysis of the Taiwanese’s Self-abusing Behavior,” Lin says: The circumstances and the behavior of Taiwanese are very similar to those of the victims of the bank robbery in Sweden.
In support of this preposterous theory, he claims: After the KMT took over Taiwan and established Martial Law, standards of living improved and the KMT periodically provided ‘favors’ to different interest groups such as the military, government workers, teachers, fishermen, laborers and farmers.
Well, Patty, we know the socialist government of Sweden provides its over-taxed citizens with every luxury, but we can’t remember the bank robbers building roads and railways, defending the country from communist bombs and improving living standards.
Third, the Hibernia Bank is in San Francisco. Which isn’t even in Sweden. Lin has obviously been Stateside too long and is probably suffering from Bush-symptom Bad-geography syndrome. Or he is confused by the Minnesota Vikings, or by all the people with the surname Gudmumsson listed in the Boise telephone directory. Or he is simply confusing his syndromes.
Perhaps, what he means to say is that Taiwanese people suffer from Poland syndrome, which is characterized by webbed fingers and an absence of chest muscle. That certainly reminds us of a couple of men who’ve tried to pick us up recently at Brown Sugar.
Or Tourette’s syndrome. Since Taiwanese politicians certainly go in for sudden outbursts of obscene words and socially inappropriate behavior.
Or maybe he meant to say Asperger syndrome, in which people show antisocial (i.e. “separatist”) inclinations, not to mention poor linguistic and cognitive development.
Or Cronkhite-Canada syndrome.
Or, nearer home, Guam disease, a nervous disease brought on by eating some kind of tropical plant. Personally, we’ve always avoided men who chew betel nut, because, even if it is a turn-on for some Taiwanese women, surely it cannot be healthy.
Anyway, it is well known that throughout the 1990s Taiwanese suffered from Chicago syndrome (well Taiwanese men did, we women suffered from Hello Kitty syndrome with a short bout of Winnie the Pooh syndrome in the middle of the decade). Chicago syndrome (a.k.a. M.J. disease) is a dilapidating mental condition in which patients gain a sense of superiority by supporting a team which is already winning.
Since the start of the 21st century, however, Chicago syndrome has been replaced by a bad case of Kobe Bryant syndrome. And Kobe is in Japan (see CIA World Factbook), and its inhabitants don’t eat salmon, they eat beef. Though they do give the cows a daily massage, whereas Swedes only tickle their trout. But Kobe cows are also fed beer and sake, which might explain why there are so few Muslims in Japan.
And anyway, the Japanese “took over” Taiwan long before Chiang Kai-shek did (who actually, Smartypants, liberated it; and if you don’t know that you can Google the GIO World Factbook). [Ed: There is a sentence removed here that is considered too inflammatory for the liberal sensibilities of VftH. Those of illiberal tendencies may contact Jennifer and Jessica directly.]
So if you want to point the diagnostic “sympathy for oppressor” syndrome finger anywhere, let’s look a little closer to home.
Despite 50 years of ruthless suppression (which the dictionary defines as much worse than oppression) Taiwanese people are completely infatuated with Japanese culture, with Mitsubishi outselling Saab by about 3,000 to 1, and raw salmon outselling smoked by quite a lot too. So let’s put an end to talk of Stockholm syndrome, if you must talk of a syndrome, let’s look where the shoe really fits: Taiwanese suffer from Tokyo syndrome.
For example, yesterday we visited a Taipei department store and someone wearing a Hello Kitty costume and white gloves, with breath smelling of nadou, tried to sell us Shiseido cosmetics, a Vaio laptop and more extra-hot wasabi sauce than Lee Teng-hui eats in a year.
And if you think that’s just hearsay, here’s a couple of scientific facts:
First: Taiwanese people (by which we here refer to so-called Hoklo “Taiwanese” speakers) love to sprinkle their conversations with Japanese words like “oishii” and “kimoji” and “obasan.” Mandarin, meanwhile, is still ethnically pure (with the exception of an occasional Mongolian or Manchurian word or phrase).
And second: In a recent survey undertaken in advance of this September’s Taipei Deaflympics, researchers found that Taiwan Sign Language has only 30 percent lexical similarity with Beijing Sign Language but over 50 percent similarity with Japanese Sign Language.
So my goodness, even Taiwan’s hearing-impaired athletes suffer from Tokyo syndrome (a.k.a. Hello Kitty syndrome, but not a.k.a. Kawasaki syndrome, which is something to do with inflammation of the lymph nodes).
Something must be done. And quickly.
Maybe we should write a book. Something like: “Jennifer and Jessica’s Shopping Guide to Taiwanese Doctors’ Self-aggrandizing Behavior.”
Or maybe we should just hold a press conference.
Anyway, as they say in Swedish, “It takes one to know one.” Which means that “Doctor” Lin has evidently spent too much time in the company of psychiatric patients. He is, to say the least, confused.
Or delusional.
Or both.
Maybe they’ll name a new illness after him: Lin syndrome. In which patients clearly talk nonsense but still manage to convince people to turn up at press conferences and buy the horse manure they are selling.
You, on the other hand, Patty Hsu, are a rational, happy human being. Love your enemy. Turn the other cheek. Kick ’em where it hurts.
Adjö´ så länge!

and on while on the topic of fat foreigners ...

誰喝葡萄酒不凸葡萄酒肚?

joke no.1

不久之前，有個年輕女生遇見一個年輕男人。因為男生穿得很時髦、讚美的話說得很誇張、請客請得很慷慨，那位少女終於被他誘惑。
結果有兩個：年輕男人跑走了，少女懷孕了。
過了一陣子，有天夜裡，有個人出現突然在她床邊。不知道是人還是神。應該是在夢裡。
「我看到妳的眼淚、聽到妳的嘆息，所以今晚來幫妳的忙」神說。「如果妳想遇到一件意外，我可以這樣幫助妳。」
女生想了一會才回答：「謝謝，但這是我自己引起的錯誤。我不應該那麼天真，我也不應該相信那個小騙子。雖然他是壞人，但是我個人需要負責。」
神說: 「妳的年紀雖小，但妳已經很有責任感。因此我會准許妳一個願望。妳需要什麼我就給妳什麼。」
女生又想了一會才回答：「謝謝，我自己什麼都不需要、什麼都不值得。但是我希望出生以後我女兒跟我不一樣，希望她沒有我那麼天真，希望她不會像我那樣被男生騙了。」
「妳的願望很好」神說「但妳怎麼知道妳生的小孩子會是女的?」
女生又想了一會，說：「如果生男孩子的話， 我希望他是好人，希望他對女人很紳士。」
就像祂突然出現，神很快消失不見。第二天，少女生幾乎忘了她的夢。
過了十個月，她的孩子還沒出生。過了十一、十二個月，一直到十八個月，她才去看醫生。
醫生馬上進行剖腹生產
結果有兩個：兩個小孩子，原來是異卵雙胞胎。而且神的准許實現了:小男嬰真的是個紳士，一直對小女嬰講:「請您先進入世界」，小女生真不像她媽媽那麼天真，一直對小男嬰回答:「少來，你先走」。
男生說:「請您先進入世界」，
女生說:「少來，你先走」，
男生說:「請您先進入世界」，
少的說:「少來，你先走」…



[The Chinese-language jokes, poems, riddles and other trivia posted on this blog are from 「胡山胡言」 (Caltonhill’s Chinese Malarkey) to be published next year by JiYue Publications]

class action, anyone?

you'd laugh if you didn't want to cry:

TT: Officials ordered to smoke

Officials in Gong’an County, Hubei Province, have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million packs of locally made cigarettes annually or risk being fined, state media reported yesterday. The Gong’an County government has ordered its staff to puff their way through 230,000 packs of Hubei-produced cigarette brands a year, the Global Times said. Departments that fail to meet their targets will be fined, the report said. “The regulation will boost the local economy via the cigarette tax,” Chen Nianzu, a member of the Gong’an cigarette market supervision team, was quoted as saying. The measure could also be a ploy to aid local cigarette brands such as Huanghelou, which are under severe pressure from competitors in Hunan Province.

more improve-the-enviroment-through-raising-consumption ideas

not even a month has gone by since i launched this blog with the EPA's car-gifts-for-environmentalists joke, and the same government agency is back behind the mike:

To mark upcoming environmental events including Earth Day and World Environment Day, the Environmental Protection Administration (EPA) yesterday launched a series of shopping events to encourage people to choose eco-friendly products.

However, some environmentalists criticized the plan for promoting “green purchases” rather than encouraging people to spend only when necessary.

For the first event in the series, EPA Minister Stephen Shen (沈世宏) lauded 18 private businesses for making green purchases that exceeded NT$20 million (US$600,000) last year ...

Green Party Taiwan Secretary-General Pan Han-shen (潘翰聲) said: “Instead of teaching people to buy, the government should lead by example and teach people to save the earth by [buying new things] only when necessary, rather than justifying their purchases by saying that these things are ‘green.’”

In addition, Pan said: “Businesses that purchase a lot of green products do not necessarily need to be praised...

pandas are Chinese fake!!!

great April 1st story at:
Pandemonium breaks out at Taipei Zoo

here's just a taster:


Zookeepers discovered at feeding time yesterday that the two pandas are in fact Wenzhou brown forest bears that had been dyed to create the panda’s distinctive black-and-white appearance.

The Taipei Zoo’s head of ursidae ex-procyonidae care, Connie Liu (劉長春), said she became suspicious when the pandas, Tuan Tuan (團團) and Yuan Yuan (圓圓), began to spend almost all of their waking hours having sex. Pandas are notorious for their low libidos, which make them difficult to breed in captivity.

Let’s just say Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan would tuan yuan at every chance,” said Liu, referring to the combination of the panda’s names, which means “to reunite” in Mandarin. “They would do it doggy-style and every armchair zoologist knows that pandas favor the missionary position — when they do it at all.

"Their behavior caused chaos. Children screamed and parents became irate.”

Her suspicions were confirmed yesterday when she noticed that the animals’ new hair growth was discolored.

"Their roots began to show,” she said. ...

one step forward; ten steps back

I wasn't planning to start until April 1st, but it seems the E(nergy companies) Protection Administration beat me to it:

The Environmental Protection Administration yesterday announced a campaign to encourage people to reduce their carbon footprint — offering prizes including new cars in return for signing a pledge that includes taking public transportation ...

Asked whether it was contradictory to offer cars as a reward for participating in the campaign, Shen said: “We should consider that [the prize winner] will own the car, but will not necessarily use it every day. If a person owns a car, it can boost the economy ... While they can take public transportation as much as possible, they can also drive the car whenever necessary.”