ask J&J: am I sick?

Dear Jennifer and Jessica,
Last week the newspapers reported that Taiwanese-American psychiatrist Lin Ih-foo held a press conference here to promote his latest book. In it, he suggests that in voting for the KMT, Taiwanese people suffer from a form of Stockholm syndrome.
Since I, like the majority of my compatriots, voted for Ma Ying-jeou, does that make me sick?
Yours,
Patty Hsu
_________________________
Dear Patty,
No you are not sick.
Nor are you Swedish.
First, there is no such thing as Stockholm syndrome because there is no such thing as Stockholm. When our cousin Nokia Chang studied mechanical engineering (with a minor in smoked salmon) at Volvo-Fjord University, and he wished to go to Stockholm, capital of Sweden, he was told Yataboy was the capital. And if “Doctor” Lin doesn’t believe it, he can just Google the CIA World Factbook.
Second, in his book, “Psychological Analysis of the Taiwanese’s Self-abusing Behavior,” Lin says: The circumstances and the behavior of Taiwanese are very similar to those of the victims of the bank robbery in Sweden.
In support of this preposterous theory, he claims: After the KMT took over Taiwan and established Martial Law, standards of living improved and the KMT periodically provided ‘favors’ to different interest groups such as the military, government workers, teachers, fishermen, laborers and farmers.
Well, Patty, we know the socialist government of Sweden provides its over-taxed citizens with every luxury, but we can’t remember the bank robbers building roads and railways, defending the country from communist bombs and improving living standards.
Third, the Hibernia Bank is in San Francisco. Which isn’t even in Sweden. Lin has obviously been Stateside too long and is probably suffering from Bush-symptom Bad-geography syndrome. Or he is confused by the Minnesota Vikings, or by all the people with the surname Gudmumsson listed in the Boise telephone directory. Or he is simply confusing his syndromes.
Perhaps, what he means to say is that Taiwanese people suffer from Poland syndrome, which is characterized by webbed fingers and an absence of chest muscle. That certainly reminds us of a couple of men who’ve tried to pick us up recently at Brown Sugar.
Or Tourette’s syndrome. Since Taiwanese politicians certainly go in for sudden outbursts of obscene words and socially inappropriate behavior.
Or maybe he meant to say Asperger syndrome, in which people show antisocial (i.e. “separatist”) inclinations, not to mention poor linguistic and cognitive development.
Or Cronkhite-Canada syndrome.
Or, nearer home, Guam disease, a nervous disease brought on by eating some kind of tropical plant. Personally, we’ve always avoided men who chew betel nut, because, even if it is a turn-on for some Taiwanese women, surely it cannot be healthy.
Anyway, it is well known that throughout the 1990s Taiwanese suffered from Chicago syndrome (well Taiwanese men did, we women suffered from Hello Kitty syndrome with a short bout of Winnie the Pooh syndrome in the middle of the decade). Chicago syndrome (a.k.a. M.J. disease) is a dilapidating mental condition in which patients gain a sense of superiority by supporting a team which is already winning.
Since the start of the 21st century, however, Chicago syndrome has been replaced by a bad case of Kobe Bryant syndrome. And Kobe is in Japan (see CIA World Factbook), and its inhabitants don’t eat salmon, they eat beef. Though they do give the cows a daily massage, whereas Swedes only tickle their trout. But Kobe cows are also fed beer and sake, which might explain why there are so few Muslims in Japan.
And anyway, the Japanese “took over” Taiwan long before Chiang Kai-shek did (who actually, Smartypants, liberated it; and if you don’t know that you can Google the GIO World Factbook). [Ed: There is a sentence removed here that is considered too inflammatory for the liberal sensibilities of VftH. Those of illiberal tendencies may contact Jennifer and Jessica directly.]
So if you want to point the diagnostic “sympathy for oppressor” syndrome finger anywhere, let’s look a little closer to home.
Despite 50 years of ruthless suppression (which the dictionary defines as much worse than oppression) Taiwanese people are completely infatuated with Japanese culture, with Mitsubishi outselling Saab by about 3,000 to 1, and raw salmon outselling smoked by quite a lot too. So let’s put an end to talk of Stockholm syndrome, if you must talk of a syndrome, let’s look where the shoe really fits: Taiwanese suffer from Tokyo syndrome.
For example, yesterday we visited a Taipei department store and someone wearing a Hello Kitty costume and white gloves, with breath smelling of nadou, tried to sell us Shiseido cosmetics, a Vaio laptop and more extra-hot wasabi sauce than Lee Teng-hui eats in a year.
And if you think that’s just hearsay, here’s a couple of scientific facts:
First: Taiwanese people (by which we here refer to so-called Hoklo “Taiwanese” speakers) love to sprinkle their conversations with Japanese words like “oishii” and “kimoji” and “obasan.” Mandarin, meanwhile, is still ethnically pure (with the exception of an occasional Mongolian or Manchurian word or phrase).
And second: In a recent survey undertaken in advance of this September’s Taipei Deaflympics, researchers found that Taiwan Sign Language has only 30 percent lexical similarity with Beijing Sign Language but over 50 percent similarity with Japanese Sign Language.
So my goodness, even Taiwan’s hearing-impaired athletes suffer from Tokyo syndrome (a.k.a. Hello Kitty syndrome, but not a.k.a. Kawasaki syndrome, which is something to do with inflammation of the lymph nodes).
Something must be done. And quickly.
Maybe we should write a book. Something like: “Jennifer and Jessica’s Shopping Guide to Taiwanese Doctors’ Self-aggrandizing Behavior.”
Or maybe we should just hold a press conference.
Anyway, as they say in Swedish, “It takes one to know one.” Which means that “Doctor” Lin has evidently spent too much time in the company of psychiatric patients. He is, to say the least, confused.
Or delusional.
Or both.
Maybe they’ll name a new illness after him: Lin syndrome. In which patients clearly talk nonsense but still manage to convince people to turn up at press conferences and buy the horse manure they are selling.
You, on the other hand, Patty Hsu, are a rational, happy human being. Love your enemy. Turn the other cheek. Kick ’em where it hurts.
Adjö´ så länge!